Dear Reader,
Lately I’ve been feeling restless.
In many ways my life is settling down. The hard situations are resolving and my son and I have found a solid routine.
But I’m finding that my mind and body have yet to settle. All day long I’m uneasy, needing something, wanting something. A snack, a message, a like, a subscriber. My phone has become a slot machine that I can’t get up from.
What is the thing I really want?
Is the restlessness a void, deep, unending, hungry, empty?
Maybe it’s a bonfire burning up fuel or a seething pool of lava eating up the earth. It does feel hot to the touch, this need.
Where does this feeling come from?
Inside the earth? The molten pool. Outer space? The void. Is it trauma? Cell phone addiction? Not enough physical touch? Vanity?
Last week I Googled: How to improve your self esteem. I really want to know this. A lot of the time the thing that I’m wanting feels like love and even though I talk a big game on here I’m not sure that I know how to love myself.
Maybe the restless part is a monster. Or the monstrous part of myself. The ugly part. The self that I hide from myself and others because I can’t love it.
Whatever this feeling is, it won’t leave me alone.
I want a practical solution. Turn off your phone! Delete Instagram! But maybe there isn’t one. At least not the way things are right now.
I think I need to be able to befriend the void. To learn how to be with it without feeding it. To learn stillness.
I don’t really want to do that right now.
Another thought. I cherish my desire. It moves me. It is the thing that creates, even if it’s also the thing that keeps me up at night.
I once saw an astrologer who told me that I have an addictive personality. She warned me never to do hard drugs. But I’m pretty sure I’m addicted to a lot of other things. The internet. Endorphins. Praise.
Last year was a Chariot year and I wrestled a lot with that metaphor. This year is Strength.
The card for Strength shows a beautiful femme figure, covered in flowers, gently but firmly holding the jaws of a lion. This card rules restlessness and addiction, our “inner wild thing” as Michelle Tea calls it in Modern Tarot. In strength, we are both the lion and the lion tamer. We learn to hold the wild and dangerous part of ourselves with love and firmness. Above the femme’s head is an infinity symbol. This dance between the lion and the lady is ongoing; it lasts forever.
I’m in the thick of it right now. There are so many things that I can’t stop doing. At the same time, I’m trying to lovingly rein myself in and accept that there is a part of me that might never be able to get enough of whatever it is that it wants. It’s comforting to know that this is a struggle as old as the Tarot and probably much older than that.
Sending love, from my void to yours.
Kate
P.S. Press the heart to feed the monster.