A list of letters

I'm working my way back to you, babe

Dear Reader,

1. I miss you. It’s been a hard few months with writing and me. I tried to explain it in my last letter but that letter did not exorcise the ghost. Every time I sit down to write to you I come up against a wall.

2. A few weeks ago, X and I handed in a bunch of surveys and questionnaires about parenting as part of our ongoing custody negotiations. We were asked to provide accompanying documents with relevant information to our case. The documents that X chose to submit were about twenty of my letters to you.

3. I can’t tell you how I felt looking at that list of letters. After thirteen years in an emotionally abusive relationship I am still learning to identify my emotions. But after I saw it I stopped writing.

Later, in trying to explain why he’d included these letters, X said that he hadn’t even read them himself but that they had been sent to him by mutual friends who were concerned about my mental health. A big part of X’s argument in this struggle is that many of our mutual friends have stopped being friends with me. In his surveys he said that the ones who are still holding on are afraid. Afraid of what, I’m not sure.

4. Last week on the phone my big sister said to me, “What if you stopped calling them your mutual friends? These people are X’s friends. They aren’t your friends and they never were.”

God, I wish that I had thought of this strategy sooner. The relief it gave me was instant and immense. The truth is that I had a lot of friends before X and I met. X meticulously highlighted the faults of each of these friends, reasons why he didn’t like them and why he didn’t think they were good for me. And so over the years we drifted apart. I was absorbed into the art community he was beloved by. I became his beloved wife.

5. One of the greatest joys of divorce has been the return to my friends. My friends. The ones who know me and have always known me, who love me and have always loved me.

6. If you are reading my letters out of concern for my mental health, please stop. Please know that I’m doing well. My small family is thriving and well supported. I am happy and loved. I have a therapist and community and a good life. I exercise and meditate. I am a great mom and I have very good judgement. Don’t worry, there are plenty of professionals involved in this process. You do not need to worry about evaluating me.

7. Again, do not read this Substack for any reason other than something that is good and genuine. For example, you should read this Substack if you are interested in my thoughts and insights or you like to hear gossip about my dating life or you like the way I write or you love me. You should read these letters if you yourself are recovering from an abusive relationship or trying to get out of one. You should read these letters if they make you feel validated or hopeful or connected.

This is my space to be myself and to talk about what is real and true for me. These letters are a sacred offering of myself, from me to you. Please honor that.

8. Seeing my letters in that list, as evidence of something rotten, shook something free inside of me.

9. The good news is that suddenly I want to write and write and write and write.

All my love,

Kate